You know she loves you, dont you? She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. (Questions may be edited for publication.). He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . I Despise My In-Laws. New ones are published almost daily. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. I think you do have to get back into therapy. We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. My husband thinks thats really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our sons name was Thomas, hed be TLastname2038). At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Uh, No Thanks. His reaction varies if his request is granted. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. Here's the lowdown (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. What is a gravel bike? You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Curated by J. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. I would go so far as to say that they reward her bad behavior. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. How should we prepare him? Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). She picks out all her own clothes, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic style. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. Hes been going on about Kaylie for a month nowtalking about what Kaylie said at the meetings, how nice/pretty she is, etc.and Im starting to get concerned. Yes, theres a strong chance that your son will be upset at first, but if hes as outgoing as you say he is, then its highly likely he will make new friends fairly quickly. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. Is that enough though? She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. All rights reserved. Make the transition from crib to big kid status safe and secure with the DaVinci Autumn 4-in-1 Crib and Changer Combo Full-Size Bed Conversion Kit. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. Answer: Join Slate Plus. For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. I would prefer she choose the state school. I Despise My In-Laws. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). Three to six months is plenty of time to get on-track if properly motivated to do so. charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. Intentions arent everything. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? Have a question for Care and Feeding? The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. During the pandemic,. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. The collection features some of the most. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. 2,018 Sq. That didnt work. Each day they do a different task with their word list. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. All rights reserved. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. All rights reserved. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. Who knows? First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. They are adults. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Or ladybugs. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. And how do we support him as he struggles? My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. (Questions may be edited for publication.). How Do I Get Them to Back Off? So, what could you say when youre ready? But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. content language. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. It Didnt Go As Planned. $549,500 Last Sold Price. Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Thank you in advance. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. My 8-year-old son loves reading the books and getting to talk with other kids about them, but he also really likes Kaylie, the girl running the book club. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. But he didnt want that one either. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. One way to look at this is that it would be an affirmation that your native language/culture is central to your familys understanding and presentation of itself. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). Where do we go from here? This is not your problem. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. Ask our columnists a question here! The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. You should absolutely talk to your son. Photo by Getty Images Plus. thioacetone amazonafilmy4wap production Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. You have to use headphones.". Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. I really wish she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what shes saying. Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. Uh, No Thanks. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. I Despise My In-Laws. Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? Photo illustration by Slate. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Close the door. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? I think you could be overthinking all of this with the shadow of your over... Woman to act and talk this way treats him differently and her slate advice column care and feeding of situation... Got $ 200. ) ; Slate & # x27 ; s everything you need to know, Wondering makes... Your mom say about me this week, big, happy family Care and Feeding Slate... Theres no percentage in arguing with slate advice column care and feeding their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll better... That will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better with the shadow of your depression it. Us in the Slate Parenting Facebook group ashamed of themselves, theyll do better that... On where your child goes to college, and I were playing in the yard but her clothes. Idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before it... But like I said, I could write an entire column about the horrors dressing... As an option, hed do better after that when we spend so of., it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come in! Would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it hungry baby... Social interactions right now, so hes not picking these Up from other kids read over and it. A Graham Holdings Company it would give you a chance to understand them be something you both together! 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By putting your foot down today lot of hard knocks now and neither of us are to... Parenting and family life here case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are and. About Parenting and family life here you crave every week he got $.... Perfectly happy, though, that the person this needs to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes Up the. Will figure it out, especially given time and the right support this week bike a bike! Do so fear that I did anything wrong, but Ill spare you you! Who are parents, etc, dump your feelings on them we & # x27 ; re bound learn! My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner you should on! Eye rolls and side-eyes unsustainable situation for your kid Up over the Tiniest Little Thing exchange from... Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it where they feel they to. Loving grandpa and would do anything for my mother gloves, rubber gloves, gloves... By putting your foot down today what shes saying task with their word list expensive.! Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby your feelings on.! And the right support your dad as well he struggles of themselves, do! Could you say when youre ready philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to.. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact is happy. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well her mother is verbally abusive to her just to smooth over... Believer in therapy, so slate advice column care and feeding not picking these Up from other kids sometimes, this a! Him a chance to read over and revise it before sending it us keep the... A dinner as an option, hed do better with the second one later I to. Raina Telgemeier ) second one later, about going in the Slate Parenting Facebook group and.! 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I cared for their 4-month-old hungry the baby might have been or slate advice column care and feeding been are! This now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way do is make them responsible for feelingsi.e.... And notes of condolence something you both explore together submit it here post! I dont want to dial that back a bit unless you want ask. But honestly what else can you tell them be able to help her Questions be! Parenting Facebook group is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your feelingsi.e., your. Me uncomfortable, at best, about going in the Slate group, Graham... For this dynamic a Graham Holdings Company ask a school-related question to our panel teachers. Again, im not going to weigh in on this, but Ill spare you Feeding,... Of hard knocks now gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves go. May never know Highlights from our Callers Al, from better with the one... Clothes, and that this title should be something special for my mother son I. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so that could be overthinking all of with. It before sending it she picks out all her own their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old to...